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Saturday, July 28, 2012

Missing you & things

I'm missing things today. It's something about sunny days and festivals and finding myself alone. Loneliness starts to weave itself into my mind. It's not like I don't have things to do. I have an unending list of things to do. It's not even like I don't have people that I could choose to be with. In my logical brain, I know these things are true. But I'm missing the laughter of H, the way we are experts at wasting time. The only thing we need to have fun is us. I'm missing my children, B & C, the way B makes me laugh even when I'm trying not to, the way my C creates, the way her mind works. I'm missing the feeling that a special someone is there, woven into my thoughts and my days. I'm missing M and the ease of being around her. I'm missing BBQs and parties and my dog. I'm even missing things I've never had. Is that possible? So now, it's time to shift from missing to doing.....knowing that doing will distract me from missing....and then my reality will be different. ~Michele

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Other people as yardsticks


I've always been vehemently opposed to using other people as yardsticks to determine how you're measuring up but today I had a moment that made me think that other people might just be a reminder to ask yourself if you're showing up the way you want. I was driving with my daughter to a friend's house. It's a beautiful, sunny day...bright blue skies with those fluffy clouds crisp, white edges; the kind that make you think of pure snow or fresh linen or Monet. We were in a neighborhood known for the diverse personality of houses; the crazy neighbor was more frequently evident in the still present red, white, and blue decorations or bright purple paint. Let's just say that the day was....exuding. But something captured us. My daughter saw it at the same time that I did. We looked at each other and the look said everything that our words hadn't yet. There was a woman pushing a man in a wheelchair. He had on a baseball cap that was pulled down to block the sun from his eyes. He had fallen asleep. I'm not going to communicate this perfectly, so be patient. It was one of those wheelchairs that's longer than normal, that supports more of the body. From a glance, it appeared that he probably didn't have full use of his body....and here was a woman pushing a man on this gorgeous day, while he was sleeping which meant he wasn't even able to appreciate it....and yet, she gave herself unselfishly, investing in exposing this man to the day, the sunshine. She was there, showing up, even when she wasn't getting credit for it. I looked at my daughter and asked, "Did you see that? It was beautiful." she said, "Yeah, I know." we kept driving but I had to wipe to tears from my eyes. And I wondered, "Could I ever measure up to that yardstick?"

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Moving On

I helped a friend move yesterday.

But that wasn't all it was.
  • It was me showing up because showing up was the right thing to do (and I need to do more of that).
  • It was watching my friend be strong enough to let people help her and let them see her sad.
  • It was watching a community of friends each do a part to get a job done.
  • It was meeting new people and hearing about their lives.
But that wasn't all it was.
  • It was a deep karmic story of one friend repaying another.
Ginger and Trixie had been good friends when the news came. Ginger's husband's plane was missing with him and three of their kids. In the wake of that new and the ensuing days of waiting for the final word, Trixie moved in with Ginger to help in any way she could. Bad news came and Ginger's family and friends stepped through life's days because there was no other choice. After a year, Ginger moved her family into a new home, a new beginning, leaving the old house with its whispers of a past life. Unable to tame the overwhelming sadness the house delivered with each visit, it was never completely emptied and not put up for sale.

Fast forward.

Trixie had loved Jack for years. They had been together before, for years, and then taken a break only to rekindle a love that felt destined. Once again, together for years, Trixie thought this was it. But Jack felt differently and like glass shattering on granite, her vision of the future was in pieces, never to be put back together the same way.

And so it was meant to be. 

It just so happens that one of the things Trixie is really good at is house projects and inserting style and color into a home. And Ginger needed her lonely, sad house to be given some love.

So, Trixie moved in.

But that wasn't all it was.
  • It was two friends being brave in their own ways. Ginger letting life back into the quiet house. Letting go. Moving on.
  • Trixie quickly moving out and on and in....and into Ginger's, again, but this time it was to fiercely taking care of herself.
  • It was about both of them moving through beginnings and endings and accepting a life they didn't choose.
It was another reason to be proud of the people in my life.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

My Dream of You


You were the beneficiary of the generosity of my brain.
I gave you the attributes that I sought;
Offering forgiveness when they didn't really show up.
Then, by being you, one too many times, I could no longer deny the incongruence.
And the dream of you was lost.
----------------
Do you do this with people? Expecting them to show up a certain way only to realize that those ways were all about the things you made up in your head; not about who they really were. I wrote this in Feb '11 and since then I've realized that I do this with a lot of people - I expect that they'll be a certain way and then find myself disapointed when they aren't. So, instead of making the same "mistake" twice, here's what I recommend:

1) Do I give up my expectations, my presumption of what people "should" be because they will be how they are regardless of my expectations? Do I just get over it? or
2) Do I re-define my expectations according to what a person's strengths and weaknesses are? Knowing that I shouldn't expect them to show up in their weak areas.
3) Do I hold fast to my expectations because they are reasonable? Are my expectations foundational to the standards I've set on how I want to be treated?  Do they honor me?

There is no wrong answer but it's still hard to figure out the right one each time.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Transactions

I sat on the edge of the Mississippi River today.

Watching.

The people moved. Families. Couples. Friends.

They carried out transactions. Giving and taking. Moving in and out of each other's space. Sometimes all wrapped up in themselves. Other times oozing energy. Fluid.

Like a silent vampire, I soaked up their energy as they passed. Embezzling.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Wrestling

Sometimes I wrestle with me. Trying to find me in the emptiness. The void. The absence. Fighting to find the energy to be present. Knowing that the "on switch" is there. Somewhere. But where are the breadcrumbs to show me the path, the formula to provide the answer, the medicine to cure the sickness?

Yes, the logical me tries to acknowledge the need for hibernation, rejuvenation, downtime....but who wants to DO that?!!!

So, I wrestle with me. Try to pin me down.....show me that I win.


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