Friday, November 7, 2014

I Will Not Assimilate

Make no mistake. I've lived the life where I ran from thing to thing; my list of things to do impossible to keep track of, balls in the air falling with no hope of being caught, tired, on empty, life happening to me. I got really familiar with the concept of not enough: not enough time, not enough energy, not enough me, not good enough. I told myself that I didn't have time to figure out how to be different. But there wasn't any way to change, right? 

Let me disabuse you of this notion.
This thought is like a disease eating away at your life.
This practice of believing and behaving is abusive. It's self abuse and it's what we're teaching our kids.

It's all a lie.
Everything is a choice.
Even the things you think aren't realistic.
The continuance of your very existence is a choice, so everything beyond that is a choice. All the things you define as realistic are just rules you've chosen to make up about what you should do and the way you should live.

This thought is so deeply ingrained in our framework for life that it's like an IV stuck in our vein, numbing us.
It keeps us brainwashed, thinking we should do what everyone else does.
It's keeps us on the treadmill, striving for mediocrity, hiding behind sameness, afraid of taking chances, terrified of being different.
It allows us to hide behind the feeling that we're doing the right thing, like we're doing what we should do.

It has NOTHING to do with happiness.

What it doesn't do is make you own your responsibility for your life. 

I find that this belief is addictive. It's easy to be pulled back into it, to feel overwhelmed, to feel busy, to let the judgments of others about what I should do or how I should live creep into to my brain.

But I will not assimilate.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

It's All or Nothing

You can't be in a committed relationship 95% of the time. When you've committed to someone, it's for a 100% of the time. All of your behavior and decision making should be with consideration of your significant other. Remember, you're in this to create a life together. Yes, you can make mistakes but you don't want to make the sorts of mistakes that say, "I'm going to just do what I want." The minute that you feel yourself thinking that, you are behaving as if you are single, like your actions do not impact your partner, like your partner's feelings don't matter. And if you persist in this vein, eventually your partner will hear you saying "Don't have expectations of me" or "You shouldn't care what I'm doing." and they will begin to treat you the same way. Do yourself a favor and call it a day.

But if you are determined to win forever with them, try to remember back to a time when THEY were what you wanted. Remember the thoughts. Remember the feeling. And instead of doing what you want to do, start first with, "Hey, what do you think about this? I want to get your input."

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Live in This Spot

I reserved this spot for you. This spot in my head and heart. I saved it for you. I gave it to you. You wanted it. You took it. You inhabited it. I wove you into my brain. Having you there gave me comfort. It made me feel relevant. It made me feel needed. It made me feel valuable. And I want to know that you care about having the spot saved for you. I need for you to say you want it and show you want it and make me feel you want it because if you want to be in a relationship with me, it's your job. Your job is to want, to strive, to ache, to do whatever it takes to occupy this spot. I want you to want to be there more than anywhere else.

Monday, April 21, 2014

Another brick in the wall

In relationships, we often build walls between us and the ones we love. Those walls are made from solitary bricks representing the hurtful moments, the ones that create doubt, the ones that sting, the ones that say, "I don't believe in you" or "I don't love you.". They are usually hurled during one of those nasty, heated arguments flooded with all sorts of emotion.

They often feel like they came from out of nowhere, rocking the foundation of what you thought your partner thinks of you.

One thing is for certain. They can't be unsaid or unheard.

Those hurtful bricks float in the air once they are hurled, like bubbles waiting to pop, slowly descending until they find their place in the wall. And it we're not careful, the wall will get taller and deeper. Times fills the cracks like mortar. Eventually, you can't see over it, crawl over it, walk around it and you are lost to each other.

In any good relationship, you have to work purposefully at removing the bricks from the wall.

I find that when something is so hurtful, it ends up as a brick in the wall, I carry it with me beyond whatever discussion is at hand. So, I cut up cardboard "bricks" and whenever I feel like I'm "carrying around" a new brick in my head, I write that feeling down on the brick. This allows me to not continually mull it around and to get back to it when I'm not feeling as emotional. 

If I revisit "the brick" at a time when I'm calm, and coming from a place of love, I find that I can either chisel away at the brick or remove it altogether. I do this by presenting the brick and telling my partner what I heard. I only use the bricks when something was said that has long lasting detrimental effects to how vulnerable I can feel in my relationship. The brick serves as a signal to my partner of how important the topic is to me. What I've discovered through this process is that the odds are fairly high that either I've misunderstood whatever my partner was saying, I've misunderstood the degree of to which she meant it or I after the conversation I can put it in the "forgiveable" pile. 
Identify a brick and break down the wall.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

That mood.

Sometimes, it's enough to breathe.

Do you ever find yourself in that Mood. You know the one when you feel like you're oozing toxicity over every thing, thought, person you encounter. Like you need to put yourself in time out. You're not fit for man, nor beast and you wish someone would just find the off switch to the thoughts running around in your brain. You wish that you could disappear, go on a road trip and never come back. You wonder how everything was hunky-dory yesterday but today it's just one massive fail and regardless of how much you try to rein in your thoughts and feelings, they break free like a toddler giving you that evil smile that says, "I'll show you." You tell yourself that you can just create your reality because YOU KNOW YOU CAN create your own reality so it's clear that you are a failure for not being able to do it right now. After all, there are worse situations. Hell, you've been in worse situations. You should just be able to appreciate the moment. To love and celebrate the moment because you know you don't have an endless amount of moments left. You should be better. You should be a better parent, business partner, girlfriend, daughter, sister, friend, human being. Seriously. Pull it together. But. BUT! The toddler runs free again....with a jubilant victory laugh. 
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