Monday, April 21, 2014

Another brick in the wall

In relationships, we often build walls between us and the ones we love. Those walls are made from solitary bricks representing the hurtful moments, the ones that create doubt, the ones that sting, the ones that say, "I don't believe in you" or "I don't love you.". They are usually hurled during one of those nasty, heated arguments flooded with all sorts of emotion.

They often feel like they came from out of nowhere, rocking the foundation of what you thought your partner thinks of you.

One thing is for certain. They can't be unsaid or unheard.

Those hurtful bricks float in the air once they are hurled, like bubbles waiting to pop, slowly descending until they find their place in the wall. And it we're not careful, the wall will get taller and deeper. Times fills the cracks like mortar. Eventually, you can't see over it, crawl over it, walk around it and you are lost to each other.

In any good relationship, you have to work purposefully at removing the bricks from the wall.

I find that when something is so hurtful, it ends up as a brick in the wall, I carry it with me beyond whatever discussion is at hand. So, I cut up cardboard "bricks" and whenever I feel like I'm "carrying around" a new brick in my head, I write that feeling down on the brick. This allows me to not continually mull it around and to get back to it when I'm not feeling as emotional. 

If I revisit "the brick" at a time when I'm calm, and coming from a place of love, I find that I can either chisel away at the brick or remove it altogether. I do this by presenting the brick and telling my partner what I heard. I only use the bricks when something was said that has long lasting detrimental effects to how vulnerable I can feel in my relationship. The brick serves as a signal to my partner of how important the topic is to me. What I've discovered through this process is that the odds are fairly high that either I've misunderstood whatever my partner was saying, I've misunderstood the degree of to which she meant it or I after the conversation I can put it in the "forgiveable" pile. 
Identify a brick and break down the wall.

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