How My Cat is a Reminder Of How I Want to Show Up

Sometimes, when I'm working hard, on my laptop, 10 tabs open, focused on a goal, I'll find myself irritated that my cat is walking on my keyboard, sitting on my notebook, or entwining herself among my legs. My first instinct is to push her away so I can just get DONE with the stuff on my list.
Then I realize, I love that she comes to me for attention. I want her to keep doing it and if I push her away when she asks for attention, she's not going to come to me anymore. I will become the person that pushes her away; not the one that gives her love.

Psychologist, John Gottman, calls these interactions bids for emotional connection. Each bid can be reacted to in a variety of ways but they boil down to 3 simple categories:

1. turning towards - receptive & reactive
2. turning away - ignore
3. turning against - aggressive

Each of our relationships are like this. In every interaction, we are defining who we are to the world and so, what anyone can expect of us.....and it's so important when we do this "contracting", we know what we want because we might just end up pushing the cat away when it was the laptop that should have been closed.

For more information of Gottman's findings, check out this article.

Structure is Important in Times of Change

An acquaintance of mine tells a story about how she was on the verge of leaving her corporate job and explore a new life when her barista gave her more than a cup of coffee. He offered these words of wisdom, "Structure is important in times of change." Those words have remained with me and continue to prove helpful.

When big changes happen in your life, they disrupt the habit of life. Sometimes, without that old list of things to do dictating your days, it's difficult to figure out the right new list of things to do. That's not to say that you won't find a way to be busy. It's just figuring out the right busy. So where do you start? I have long preached that you should start with your wants. Who and how do you want to BE? What do you want to DO? What do you want to have? Thanks to Danielle Laporte's The Desire Map, I'd add asking yourself what you want to feel.

Start with these simple lists and you'll find some goals. Once you have these goals, you can start figuring out what needs to be done to achieve them. Then, you can start chunking up your days accordingly so that your days don't become a slide into non-purposeful doing. Even unstructured doing should take place within a structure.

Beautiful Bravery is all around you.

How different would your work environment be if you paused for a moment and tried to see each of your co-workers as brave warrior of life? Beyond all of the office politics, who are they, really? I bet if you saw just a kernel of the REAL person, your interaction would change. Bravery comes in many forms and when I look around and try to find it, I'm amazed at how much of it there is. You don't EVEN need a viral video to see it (LOL). Beautiful bravery. Look for it.

You are not here merely to make a living.

"You are not here merely to make a living. You are here in order to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world, and you impoverish yourself if you forget the errand." ~Woodrow Wilson

I find this sentiment to be quite lovely and one that resonates deeply with me. Each of us play our part in this world. It's your job to contribute the beauty of your uniqueness. beYOU! ‪

~Michele
#‎beblooming‬

Sunlight or clouds. You choose.

I had a realization one day on a plane as we were preparing to land. We were moving from the spot above the clouds where the sun was shining brightly into the cloud layer. It came to me in an instant. Your whole view of the world could change in just in a few feet. You could believe the world was sunny and be right. AND you could believe the world was grey and cloudy and be right. So, if those truths exist simultaneously, I can choose which one I want to live with. I imagined myself suspended in the clouds, peeking my head above the clouds to find sunlight and then leaning down into the clouds. Sunlight. Clouds. Sunlight. Clouds. The same was true when I looked at the ground. Some places were sunny and others were dark. I could choose to go to sunny places. So, where will you choose to be today? Sunlight or clouds?
~Michele
#‎choosetobloom‬  www.bloominginexistence.com

Insatiably Curious & Rarely Bored

I keep waiting for LinkedIn to list curiosity in their skillset listing. I know it's something I value in employees. And it's not because I think those employees are more likely to come up with creative solutions. I find that people full of exuberant, insatiable curiosity not just at work, but in life, just feel more fun to be around. Maybe it's because I believe curiosity their curiosity is a basic indicator that they care. If you stop to ask a question, to wonder why, dive deeper, be driven to understand, it feels like you're honoring someone with your time, energy and mental bandwidth. I also think that curious people are a lot more likely to be engaged more, interested, and seeking & finding connections.

Maybe I'm not objective on the topic because I consider myself insatiably curious. I'm not saying it doesn't come with its drawbacks. (Here's where I say sorry to all of those close to me for the unending questions!) I've wished more than once that I could wonder less but I'm thankful that my curious brain is rarely bored. ~Michele

Applying the Concept of Relevance to Achieving Life Success

I remember in the early days of the internet when the concept of relevance was preached as a key contributing factor to becoming successful in the medium. I think it's also an important factor in being successful at life. I'm not saying, by any means, that you should define yourself by whether others find you relevant; rather you should define who you want to be relevant to and purposefully devote energy to creating that relevance. Assuming that you've already got a grip on identifying key people in your life, as a change manager, the first step I would take in becoming relevant to someone else is to determine what motivates them and how they "hear" those motivations. I'm reminded of Gary Chapman's The 5 Love Languages. Once I understand how they hear, I can frame up the topics that are important to me to share in a language they understand and hear. Sounds like work, right? It is. Just the same way it's work for all of those websites trying to figure out how to appeal to their target customers. ~M

Back To Who I Am

Somewhere along the way, I lost the essence of me. I miss me. I know what it's like to bloom in my existence and I'm determined to find my way back to who I am. I'm starting now. I'm starting with a place that I know is a very real place for me. It's the place where I start eliminating the shoulds that have sneaked into my life making my life a list of things I should do, not a list of things I want to do. The end result is that the state of my life has become something I don't truly own deep, down inside because it doesn't feel like me. I don't connect with it. It's become something I manage but not something I'm immersed in. I can think of a lot of reasons for it but they don't matter. What matters is what's next.

The first thing I'm going to do is give myself permission to spending some time on regrouping....figuring it out, asking myself some questions and giving myself some answers. Ground rules: Trust my gut. Honor my wants. Remember it's okay.

Get the Blooming Juices Flowing

You might be thinking that happiness is BIG topic and there's no easy way to know how to create a happy life. I'm here to tell you that IT IS EASY. You just have to chunk it up. The beBlooming Program takes you through each component of the formula, step by step.

There are 3 tracks to the program: beYou, beTogether, and beParents.

Everything starts with you! So, the beYou track is the "prerequisite" to the other 2 tracks. Knowingess is the first step of the beYOU program. Knowing who and how you want to be, what you want to do, and what you want to have is the basis for everything else in your life.

So, let's start with some exercises to get the juices flowing! I've found that the best way to capture my thoughts is in an old fashion paper journal but use whatever works best for you.

Make a 30 minute date with yourself. 30 minutes isn't hard. I know you can do it. Actually, only YOU can do it. Spend 5 minutes less a day getting dressed. Spend less time on fb. Whatever it takes. YOU CAN squeeze it in. After all, it's your life we're talking about.

Start here. For a worksheet of these questions, click here.

1. How purposefully are you living your life?
2. List 5-10 things you value in life
3. What would you try right now if you knew you would never fail at it?
4. What did you used to do that gave you energy that you don’t do anymore? (hobby, talent, relationships)
5. What traditions are important to you?
6. How is your life the same or different than you expected it to be?
7. How is your true self (the way you feel about yourself right now) the same or different than how others perceive you and the same or different than the person you want to be?
8. List the things in your life that expand and contract you. The things that give you energy or drain you. Trust your gut, your first reaction.
9. If your life was exactly the same 5 years from now, would you be okay with that?
10. Who expects you to be somebody?

I'll be back! In the meantime, #beBlooming.

~Michele

I Will Not Assimilate

Make no mistake. I've lived the life where I ran from thing to thing; my list of things to do impossible to keep track of, balls in the air falling with no hope of being caught, tired, on empty, life happening to me. I got really familiar with the concept of not enough: not enough time, not enough energy, not enough me, not good enough. I told myself that I didn't have time to figure out how to be different. But there wasn't any way to change, right? 

Let me disabuse you of this notion.
This thought is like a disease eating away at your life.
This practice of believing and behaving is abusive. It's self abuse and it's what we're teaching our kids.

It's all a lie.
Everything is a choice.
Even the things you think aren't realistic.
The continuance of your very existence is a choice, so everything beyond that is a choice. All the things you define as realistic are just rules you've chosen to make up about what you should do and the way you should live.

This thought is so deeply ingrained in our framework for life that it's like an IV stuck in our vein, numbing us.
It keeps us brainwashed, thinking we should do what everyone else does.
It's keeps us on the treadmill, striving for mediocrity, hiding behind sameness, afraid of taking chances, terrified of being different.
It allows us to hide behind the feeling that we're doing the right thing, like we're doing what we should do.

It has NOTHING to do with happiness.

What it doesn't do is make you own your responsibility for your life. 

I find that this belief is addictive. It's easy to be pulled back into it, to feel overwhelmed, to feel busy, to let the judgments of others about what I should do or how I should live creep into to my brain.

But I will not assimilate.

It's All or Nothing

You can't be in a committed relationship 95% of the time. When you've committed to someone, it's for a 100% of the time. All of your behavior and decision making should be with consideration of your significant other. Remember, you're in this to create a life together. Yes, you can make mistakes but you don't want to make the sorts of mistakes that say, "I'm going to just do what I want." The minute that you feel yourself thinking that, you are behaving as if you are single, like your actions do not impact your partner, like your partner's feelings don't matter. And if you persist in this vein, eventually your partner will hear you saying "Don't have expectations of me" or "You shouldn't care what I'm doing." and they will begin to treat you the same way. Do yourself a favor and call it a day.

But if you are determined to win forever with them, try to remember back to a time when THEY were what you wanted. Remember the thoughts. Remember the feeling. And instead of doing what you want to do, start first with, "Hey, what do you think about this? I want to get your input."

Live in This Spot

I reserved this spot for you. This spot in my head and heart. I saved it for you. I gave it to you. You wanted it. You took it. You inhabited it. I wove you into my brain. Having you there gave me comfort. It made me feel relevant. It made me feel needed. It made me feel valuable. And I want to know that you care about having the spot saved for you. I need for you to say you want it and show you want it and make me feel you want it because if you want to be in a relationship with me, it's your job. Your job is to want, to strive, to ache, to do whatever it takes to occupy this spot. I want you to want to be there more than anywhere else.

Another brick in the wall

In relationships, we often build walls between us and the ones we love. Those walls are made from solitary bricks representing the hurtful moments, the ones that create doubt, the ones that sting, the ones that say, "I don't believe in you" or "I don't love you.". They are usually hurled during one of those nasty, heated arguments flooded with all sorts of emotion.

They often feel like they came from out of nowhere, rocking the foundation of what you thought your partner thinks of you.

One thing is for certain. They can't be unsaid or unheard.

Those hurtful bricks float in the air once they are hurled, like bubbles waiting to pop, slowly descending until they find their place in the wall. And it we're not careful, the wall will get taller and deeper. Times fills the cracks like mortar. Eventually, you can't see over it, crawl over it, walk around it and you are lost to each other.

In any good relationship, you have to work purposefully at removing the bricks from the wall.


I find that when something is so hurtful, it ends up as a brick in the wall, I carry it with me beyond whatever discussion is at hand. So, I cut up cardboard "bricks" and whenever I feel like I'm "carrying around" a new brick in my head, I write that feeling down on the brick. This allows me to not continually mull it around and to get back to it when I'm not feeling as emotional. 

If I revisit "the brick" at a time when I'm calm, and coming from a place of love, I find that I can either chisel away at the brick or remove it altogether. I do this by presenting the brick and telling my partner what I heard. I only use the bricks when something was said that has long lasting detrimental effects to how vulnerable I can feel in my relationship. The brick serves as a signal to my partner of how important the topic is to me. What I've discovered through this process is that the odds are fairly high that either I've misunderstood whatever my partner was saying, I've misunderstood the degree of to which she meant it or I after the conversation I can put it in the "forgiveable" pile. 
Identify a brick and break down the wall.

That mood.

Sometimes, it's enough to breathe.

Do you ever find yourself in that Mood. You know the one when you feel like you're oozing toxicity over every thing, thought, person you encounter. Like you need to put yourself in time out. You're not fit for man, nor beast and you wish someone would just find the off switch to the thoughts running around in your brain. You wish that you could disappear, go on a road trip and never come back. You wonder how everything was hunky-dory yesterday but today it's just one massive fail and regardless of how much you try to rein in your thoughts and feelings, they break free like a toddler giving you that evil smile that says, "I'll show you." You tell yourself that you can just create your reality because YOU KNOW YOU CAN create your own reality so it's clear that you are a failure for not being able to do it right now. After all, there are worse situations. Hell, you've been in worse situations. You should just be able to appreciate the moment. To love and celebrate the moment because you know you don't have an endless amount of moments left. You should be better. You should be a better parent, business partner, girlfriend, daughter, sister, friend, human being. Seriously. Pull it together. But. BUT! The toddler runs free again....with a jubilant victory laugh. 

5 Reasons To Tell Your Friends To Fuck Off

1. They tell you to lower your standards for the person you want to have in your life. If I'm going to have high standards for anything, it will be about the person I invite unconditionally into my life...that person that holds that sacred space in my heart and head. People that don't meet my standards need not apply. It's the reason I have standards. 
2. They are consistently absent when you need support, the ones that never make an effort or make it so infrequently that you have to check in on them periodically to make sure they are still alive. I believe in balance....it needs to all wash out in the end. Leeches, fuck off. I've given myself to you over and over again. 
3. They are too afraid to speak their mind. We are on this planet to be of some kind of service to each other. Speak up. I'm tired of trying to figure out how you really feel and whether you're telling me the whole truth. 
4. They give you that "Oh, that's nice dear but" speech when you talk about your dreams. Fuck that. Friends are the people that muddle around in the scary places with you and float on the fluffiest clouds with you and everything in between.  
5. They point out when you're a pain in the ass....not really.....but I thought this post will make people say I'm a pain in the ass.

4 Reasons Why Your Kids Need To Go To the Grocery Store With You

When I was young, I can remember groaning when my mom made me go to the grocery store with her. Now, I find myself making similar demands of my kids. They always ask why they have to go and I've never really fully articulated why so I've been thinking about why I feel so strongly about them tagging alone for life's mundane events.

1. Everyday interactions are full of teachable moments. Part of being a parent is passing on "tribal knowledge." Going to the grocery store equates to teaching them how to shop for food; i.e. how to judge whether a watermelon is ripe. Waiting for an appointment teaches them how to entertain themselves or how to have a conversation.
2. I want them to know they are wanted. Beyond saying that I love them, I want to show them that I want them around me. I don't want them to get lost in the world where an iPod, an Xbox, or a TV has become the babysitter and so I endure the complaints even though leaving them at home would much easier at times. 
3. They have responsibilities in our relationship. Relationships are about giving, taking and sharing. In any balanced relationship, they are going to have to do things they don't want to do and that is okay. Sometimes, you just need to show up. Being kids doesn't relinquish them of that responsibility.
4. I want them to know me. I want them to see me living the values that I preach or I want them to question me when they don't think I am. I want them to see the real me. I want them to see how I interact with people, everyone from the cashier to my best friend. I want them to see me be silly. I want them to have memories to cherish and stories to tell.

"Chance favors the prepared mind."

So, are you prepared?

For the moment?

The moment in the morning that you wake to the life that you're living.
The moment someone disappoints you yet again.
The moment you walk by a homeless person.
The moment when it's easier to do nothing than to speak up.
The moment you could "settle" for your boyfriend/girlfriend.
The moment when it seems like everyone else has more stuff than you.
The moment your child asks you to explain something you've done.
The moment you are rejected.
The moment that you could decide to take the job because it's the "right" thing to do.
The moment that someone cuts you off in traffic.
The moment you need to decide if you are going to stay safe or jump outside your safety zone.
The moment your body won't do the things you want it to.
The moment your friend needs you and you feel like you have nothing left to give.
The moment you realize that sacrifice will be required.
The moment that the sun sets; gone, never to be recaptured.
The mention you have to say yes or no.
The moment that a person you love is gone.
The moment you're told that time is running out.

The moment your time has run out.

Prepare your mind.

Start with KNOWINGNESS. Ask yourself:
Who and how you want to be?
What do you want to do?
What do you want to have?

Write it down. Revisit it often.

And you'll find that, in the moment, chance won't win.

The BEST Way To Force Yourself To Do Things You've Been Avoiding

If you're anything like me, you have a number of things that keep getting re-written on the To Do List and never get done OR that you dislike so much that you even refuse to write them on the To Do List.

The best way to force yourself to do them is to find an Accountability Partner, someone that is going to care about whether you are getting stuff done, someone that won't let you off the hook.

Here's what I've done:
I'm meeting with one of my best friends every week. (This could be done over the phone too.) We've establish 5 categories from our lives.

Every week, we commit to accomplishing one thing in each of those 5 categories.

Here's the kicker: For each thing we don't accomplish, we have to pay $10 and use it for a random act of kindness.

5 Categories

Self    Kids   Chores   Work/Business   Try It

1. Self - anything that's about an investment in yourself. This can be anything from scheduling that dentist appointment that you've been avoiding to finally ending that relationship that should have ended a long time ago.
2. Kids - anything to nurture your kids directly or your relationship with your kids.
3. Chores - cleaning, errands.
4. Work/Business - career, work, business.
5. Try It - something new you're going to try. This can be related to the other categories. It could encompass learning, doing, creating.

So each week, we come to our meeting with a recap of the status of the commitments we made the previous week and a list of the 5 new things we're going to do in the next week.

Just having to report back to someone what you've done is a motivator, but there's a bonus. This is kind of like therapy. When you start to talk about things you've been avoiding, you naturally talk about why. Having a sound board is priceless. So what started as a process to get stuff done, became more about two friends helping each other get better in the world.


Michele

What IS Blooming In Existence?

It's a way of being in the moment and in your life.

It's getting what you want out of life.

It's not letting life happen to you.

It's being able to say you're happy.

It's showing up in the world in way that you're proud of.

It's: KNOWINGNESS  +  LIFE RITUAL  + ACTON

A Story Is Always Waiting

writing it now