I Will Not Assimilate

Make no mistake. I've lived the life where I ran from thing to thing; my list of things to do impossible to keep track of, balls in the air falling with no hope of being caught, tired, on empty, life happening to me. I got really familiar with the concept of not enough: not enough time, not enough energy, not enough me, not good enough. I told myself that I didn't have time to figure out how to be different. But there wasn't any way to change, right? 

Let me disabuse you of this notion.
This thought is like a disease eating away at your life.
This practice of believing and behaving is abusive. It's self abuse and it's what we're teaching our kids.

It's all a lie.
Everything is a choice.
Even the things you think aren't realistic.
The continuance of your very existence is a choice, so everything beyond that is a choice. All the things you define as realistic are just rules you've chosen to make up about what you should do and the way you should live.

This thought is so deeply ingrained in our framework for life that it's like an IV stuck in our vein, numbing us.
It keeps us brainwashed, thinking we should do what everyone else does.
It's keeps us on the treadmill, striving for mediocrity, hiding behind sameness, afraid of taking chances, terrified of being different.
It allows us to hide behind the feeling that we're doing the right thing, like we're doing what we should do.

It has NOTHING to do with happiness.

What it doesn't do is make you own your responsibility for your life. 

I find that this belief is addictive. It's easy to be pulled back into it, to feel overwhelmed, to feel busy, to let the judgments of others about what I should do or how I should live creep into to my brain.

But I will not assimilate.

It's All or Nothing

You can't be in a committed relationship 95% of the time. When you've committed to someone, it's for a 100% of the time. All of your behavior and decision making should be with consideration of your significant other. Remember, you're in this to create a life together. Yes, you can make mistakes but you don't want to make the sorts of mistakes that say, "I'm going to just do what I want." The minute that you feel yourself thinking that, you are behaving as if you are single, like your actions do not impact your partner, like your partner's feelings don't matter. And if you persist in this vein, eventually your partner will hear you saying "Don't have expectations of me" or "You shouldn't care what I'm doing." and they will begin to treat you the same way. Do yourself a favor and call it a day.

But if you are determined to win forever with them, try to remember back to a time when THEY were what you wanted. Remember the thoughts. Remember the feeling. And instead of doing what you want to do, start first with, "Hey, what do you think about this? I want to get your input."

Live in This Spot

I reserved this spot for you. This spot in my head and heart. I saved it for you. I gave it to you. You wanted it. You took it. You inhabited it. I wove you into my brain. Having you there gave me comfort. It made me feel relevant. It made me feel needed. It made me feel valuable. And I want to know that you care about having the spot saved for you. I need for you to say you want it and show you want it and make me feel you want it because if you want to be in a relationship with me, it's your job. Your job is to want, to strive, to ache, to do whatever it takes to occupy this spot. I want you to want to be there more than anywhere else.

Another brick in the wall

In relationships, we often build walls between us and the ones we love. Those walls are made from solitary bricks representing the hurtful moments, the ones that create doubt, the ones that sting, the ones that say, "I don't believe in you" or "I don't love you.". They are usually hurled during one of those nasty, heated arguments flooded with all sorts of emotion.

They often feel like they came from out of nowhere, rocking the foundation of what you thought your partner thinks of you.

One thing is for certain. They can't be unsaid or unheard.

Those hurtful bricks float in the air once they are hurled, like bubbles waiting to pop, slowly descending until they find their place in the wall. And it we're not careful, the wall will get taller and deeper. Times fills the cracks like mortar. Eventually, you can't see over it, crawl over it, walk around it and you are lost to each other.

In any good relationship, you have to work purposefully at removing the bricks from the wall.


I find that when something is so hurtful, it ends up as a brick in the wall, I carry it with me beyond whatever discussion is at hand. So, I cut up cardboard "bricks" and whenever I feel like I'm "carrying around" a new brick in my head, I write that feeling down on the brick. This allows me to not continually mull it around and to get back to it when I'm not feeling as emotional. 

If I revisit "the brick" at a time when I'm calm, and coming from a place of love, I find that I can either chisel away at the brick or remove it altogether. I do this by presenting the brick and telling my partner what I heard. I only use the bricks when something was said that has long lasting detrimental effects to how vulnerable I can feel in my relationship. The brick serves as a signal to my partner of how important the topic is to me. What I've discovered through this process is that the odds are fairly high that either I've misunderstood whatever my partner was saying, I've misunderstood the degree of to which she meant it or I after the conversation I can put it in the "forgiveable" pile. 
Identify a brick and break down the wall.

That mood.

Sometimes, it's enough to breathe.

Do you ever find yourself in that Mood. You know the one when you feel like you're oozing toxicity over every thing, thought, person you encounter. Like you need to put yourself in time out. You're not fit for man, nor beast and you wish someone would just find the off switch to the thoughts running around in your brain. You wish that you could disappear, go on a road trip and never come back. You wonder how everything was hunky-dory yesterday but today it's just one massive fail and regardless of how much you try to rein in your thoughts and feelings, they break free like a toddler giving you that evil smile that says, "I'll show you." You tell yourself that you can just create your reality because YOU KNOW YOU CAN create your own reality so it's clear that you are a failure for not being able to do it right now. After all, there are worse situations. Hell, you've been in worse situations. You should just be able to appreciate the moment. To love and celebrate the moment because you know you don't have an endless amount of moments left. You should be better. You should be a better parent, business partner, girlfriend, daughter, sister, friend, human being. Seriously. Pull it together. But. BUT! The toddler runs free again....with a jubilant victory laugh. 

5 Reasons To Tell Your Friends To Fuck Off

1. They tell you to lower your standards for the person you want to have in your life. If I'm going to have high standards for anything, it will be about the person I invite unconditionally into my life...that person that holds that sacred space in my heart and head. People that don't meet my standards need not apply. It's the reason I have standards. 
2. They are consistently absent when you need support, the ones that never make an effort or make it so infrequently that you have to check in on them periodically to make sure they are still alive. I believe in balance....it needs to all wash out in the end. Leeches, fuck off. I've given myself to you over and over again. 
3. They are too afraid to speak their mind. We are on this planet to be of some kind of service to each other. Speak up. I'm tired of trying to figure out how you really feel and whether you're telling me the whole truth. 
4. They give you that "Oh, that's nice dear but" speech when you talk about your dreams. Fuck that. Friends are the people that muddle around in the scary places with you and float on the fluffiest clouds with you and everything in between.  
5. They point out when you're a pain in the ass....not really.....but I thought this post will make people say I'm a pain in the ass.

4 Reasons Why Your Kids Need To Go To the Grocery Store With You

When I was young, I can remember groaning when my mom made me go to the grocery store with her. Now, I find myself making similar demands of my kids. They always ask why they have to go and I've never really fully articulated why so I've been thinking about why I feel so strongly about them tagging alone for life's mundane events.

1. Everyday interactions are full of teachable moments. Part of being a parent is passing on "tribal knowledge." Going to the grocery store equates to teaching them how to shop for food; i.e. how to judge whether a watermelon is ripe. Waiting for an appointment teaches them how to entertain themselves or how to have a conversation.
2. I want them to know they are wanted. Beyond saying that I love them, I want to show them that I want them around me. I don't want them to get lost in the world where an iPod, an Xbox, or a TV has become the babysitter and so I endure the complaints even though leaving them at home would much easier at times. 
3. They have responsibilities in our relationship. Relationships are about giving, taking and sharing. In any balanced relationship, they are going to have to do things they don't want to do and that is okay. Sometimes, you just need to show up. Being kids doesn't relinquish them of that responsibility.
4. I want them to know me. I want them to see me living the values that I preach or I want them to question me when they don't think I am. I want them to see the real me. I want them to see how I interact with people, everyone from the cashier to my best friend. I want them to see me be silly. I want them to have memories to cherish and stories to tell.

"Chance favors the prepared mind."

So, are you prepared?

For the moment?

The moment in the morning that you wake to the life that you're living.
The moment someone disappoints you yet again.
The moment you walk by a homeless person.
The moment when it's easier to do nothing than to speak up.
The moment you could "settle" for your boyfriend/girlfriend.
The moment when it seems like everyone else has more stuff than you.
The moment your child asks you to explain something you've done.
The moment you are rejected.
The moment that you could decide to take the job because it's the "right" thing to do.
The moment that someone cuts you off in traffic.
The moment you need to decide if you are going to stay safe or jump outside your safety zone.
The moment your body won't do the things you want it to.
The moment your friend needs you and you feel like you have nothing left to give.
The moment you realize that sacrifice will be required.
The moment that the sun sets; gone, never to be recaptured.
The mention you have to say yes or no.
The moment that a person you love is gone.
The moment you're told that time is running out.

The moment your time has run out.

Prepare your mind.

Start with KNOWINGNESS. Ask yourself:
Who and how you want to be?
What do you want to do?
What do you want to have?

Write it down. Revisit it often.

And you'll find that, in the moment, chance won't win.

The BEST Way To Force Yourself To Do Things You've Been Avoiding

If you're anything like me, you have a number of things that keep getting re-written on the To Do List and never get done OR that you dislike so much that you even refuse to write them on the To Do List.

The best way to force yourself to do them is to find an Accountability Partner, someone that is going to care about whether you are getting stuff done, someone that won't let you off the hook.

Here's what I've done:
I'm meeting with one of my best friends every week. (This could be done over the phone too.) We've establish 5 categories from our lives.

Every week, we commit to accomplishing one thing in each of those 5 categories.

Here's the kicker: For each thing we don't accomplish, we have to pay $10 and use it for a random act of kindness.

5 Categories

Self    Kids   Chores   Work/Business   Try It

1. Self - anything that's about an investment in yourself. This can be anything from scheduling that dentist appointment that you've been avoiding to finally ending that relationship that should have ended a long time ago.
2. Kids - anything to nurture your kids directly or your relationship with your kids.
3. Chores - cleaning, errands.
4. Work/Business - career, work, business.
5. Try It - something new you're going to try. This can be related to the other categories. It could encompass learning, doing, creating.

So each week, we come to our meeting with a recap of the status of the commitments we made the previous week and a list of the 5 new things we're going to do in the next week.

Just having to report back to someone what you've done is a motivator, but there's a bonus. This is kind of like therapy. When you start to talk about things you've been avoiding, you naturally talk about why. Having a sound board is priceless. So what started as a process to get stuff done, became more about two friends helping each other get better in the world.


Michele

What IS Blooming In Existence?

It's a way of being in the moment and in your life.

It's getting what you want out of life.

It's not letting life happen to you.

It's being able to say you're happy.

It's showing up in the world in way that you're proud of.

It's: KNOWINGNESS  +  LIFE RITUAL  + ACTON

A Story Is Always Waiting

writing it now

The Way My Brain Works

From: Walker Sculpture Garden
September 25, 2012

My phone had gone dead and I forgot my camera, so I couldn't take pictures.
I was going to leave. I had even gotten into my car and shifted it into drive.
Then I thought, "No. Stay. Take your notebook. Write. Sit in the sunlight. Be slow."
So, I did.

What if I just wrote what I thought?

Yes, I want to take pictures of my tennis shoes in the sunlight because all things look beautiful in the sunlight. No, not all. It's most. I bet death doesn't look good in the sunlight.

Hmmmm. Waiting for things to speak to me.

Look at the small kids in the distance choosing to dance around while surrounded by benches. They're rebels and they don't know it. I want to sit on those benches! Each one of them. And see how the world looks different from each one.

I live the combination of industrial and nature. The combination of them pitted against each other. I wonder if it's the same reason why I like when people force organization and patterns into nature, like rows of trees. Something about the duality. Maybe there's something about the collaboration of order and freedom. Tamed chaos. I don't know. Structure combined with freedom to create beauty?

I see a question box on a post. I wonder if it has pencils in it or if they expect people just to have a writing utensil with them. I want to put a question box in my front yard. I wonder what questions I would get. Would it be filled with foul teenage comments. Maybe I'll put my own questions in it and answer them. Would I feel more obligated to come up with answers if I had to go through that process? If I put up a question box, I should put up one of those micro-libraries on a post too. I love that idea. I wonder if anyone would use it.

There is a couple walking by me. The woman is very pregnant. They're about to be three, three of them. It's strange that they don't know what that will be like. Forever changed. Lives. Bodies. Moments. Love. Freedom. Risk.

I only see one other person. Strange for such a beautiful day and beautiful place. I'm mentally claiming the gardens as mine. It IS.....ALL MINE. Ta da. Now, there is no one here. Haha. It's me and the spoon and the cherry.

I decided to check out those benches. Ohhhh. They're engraved! There  are 28, 7 on each side of the square. I'm going to read each one of them.

#2 "It takes a while before you can step over inert bodies and go ahead with what you were trying to do."..............especially if the inert body is you! I'm sitting on this bench for a while. Is that Freudian?

#6 "There is a period when it is clear that you have gone wrong but you continue. Sometimes there is a luxurious amount of time before anything bad happens." Hmmmmm. Wonder how many people are waiting for something bad to happen. Probably should sit on this one too.

Uhhhh. Who invited you? Didn't you hear the declaration that the gardens were mine? And you're reading the benches very slowly. You're really going to slow me down!

#12 "You should limit the number of times you act against your nature like sleeping with people you hate. It's interesting to test your capabilities for a while but too much will cause damage." Ok, love the first part but that was a surprising twist. Wait, I bet there are more people sleeping with people they hate than I originally thought. Think about all those deteriorating marriages and relationships. Yep, that's not uncommon.

#28 "Some days you wake and immediately start to worry. Nothing in particular is wrong. It's just the suspicion that forces are aligning quietly and there will be trouble." Yeah, everyone needs to stop doing this right now. Make up the opposite.

I wonder why no one reads all of the benches. They come, read a few, leave. What if I laid down on a bench and then people couldn't read it. They'd have to go their whole life wondering what was on it.

That is one fat chipmunk. There's another chipmunk. Are there anymore. Wow. They're fast.

We all teach the world about us even just as we walk by them. I'm going to watch people.

• Your shirt around your waist, flowing in the wind, taking care not to spill your Starbuck, sunglasses on your head. Relaxed, catching up with you mom.
• Khaki pressed shorts, baby blue cardigan, determined focused walk
• Tripod on your shoulder...............  he's stopped in front of me.........here's that story

Alone

I woke up from the anesthesia.

My husband sat in a chair against the wall at the far right end of my bed.

I'm sure my memory isn't 100% accurate but I do remember looking up at him and seeing him shake his head as if speaking some universal language that I should understand. I don't remember exactly what was said, something along the lines of, "They found something they weren't expecting to." or "It didn't go as planned." I just remember that is was all from a distance. 

What? It was just supposed to be a simple procedure. They were just removing a cyst.

The doctor came in and sat on the side of my bed.

"Michele, I'm so sorry and I was not expecting this but we think it was a malignant tumor. The pathologists can't agree, so they've sent specimens to Mayo Clinic to be tested there but we're fairly sure that it's ovarian cancer."

The doctor left.
My husband sat in a chair.

3 Things To Do When You're Trying to Let Someone Go

1. At the end of each day, record whether it was a "thumbs up" or "thumbs down" day. Keep this somewhere so you can see the data. Sometimes, we let moments of goodness persuade us the relationship is getting better but find the same problems cropping up the next day. This can be a high level guide on whether it's really getting better.
2. Tell yourself that you deserve to be happy. Relationships should be your refuge from the outside world; the place you know that you can go to for support and comfort. They require work but they shouldn't be a constant battleground.
3. Tell yourself that your partner deserves to be happy. Don't kid yourself. If you are feeling the disconnection, so are they. Just like you, they deserve someone that cherishes them. Don't waste their time.

DON'T KEEP PROTECTING SOMETHING THAT'S BROKEN.

What are you leaving in hearts?

"To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die."

It might sound odd but I like to go to cemeteries. I feel like they represent the "boiled down" version of a person's life; the recap, the summary, the last whisper of what they were and how others see them. 

.......how others see them. Notice, that phrase isn't in the past tense.

What are we, if not what is left behind in the hearts and minds of those we leave behind?

I believe that it's the ONLY thing we are.
And yet, I believe it's NONE of what we are.
 

Me: You shouldn't care what others think. What others think of you is none of your business. The only reality that exists is the one in your mind.
Me, again: Yes, but part of how I want to show up in life is about how I interact with others, what I am to them. When my mind no longer exists, theirs will carry who I was.

                      Which camp are you in? 

                                                               To care or not to care?

5 Ways to Attack Your Funk That Will Have Immediate Impact

Recently, I've been feeling my world get smaller. Doing less. Interacting less. Exploring less.

This morning, I woke up and noticed the dark shade hanging in my bedroom window to keep the light out and I realized that it had been doing exactly that.....and so had I.

So, I opened it.

It seemed like a simple thing but it felt simply right.

Attack your FUNK!!

1. Let the light in. LITERALLY. Find the light.
2. Go outside. Go for a walk. Look at the sky. Find a bumblebee. Notice the trees sway.
3. Talk to someone else.
4. Listen to someone else.
5. Do SOMETHING different. Drive to work a new way. Go to a new grocery store.

Perfecting the Art of Failing Quickly In 5 Steps

1. Skip the conversation that YOU aren't good.
2. Realize you can't be good at everything.
3. Decide if you want to be better next time. If yes, move to step #4. If no, let it go.
4. Figure out what it will take to be better.
5. Do the things it will take to be better.

Click here to watch a video by Seth Godin. He's an expert on failure.

5 Ways To Start & End Your Days With Your Kids

It starts at home. We need to TEACH our children HOW to BLOOM. Start with saying these simple things. They encompass the foundational principles of blooming: knowingness, life ritual, and action.

Morning 

1. I love you.
2. You will have a fantastic day.
3. What one thing will you get done today?
4. Help whenever you can.
5. Remember to share your smile. It is a gift to the world.

Evening

1. What was the best part of your day? What was the worst?
2. What are thankful for?
3. Did you get it  done?
4. Are you proud of who you were today? 
5. I love you.

It starts at home.

Braking Your Heart So That It Isn't Broken

For the past few days, I've been having an unusual thought: Be safe with your heart. Protect it. The reason I call this unusual is because my normal philosophy is to give my heart away freely. This thought has even made it beyond my brain and ended up as advice to others and I'm doubly confused on how such a life operating philosophy could be coming from my mouth. Have you ever been in a situation where you're trying to protect your heart? It's hard stuff. The heart wants what the heart wants and no amount of reasoning can usually convince it otherwise.

How do you put the brakes on your heart?

Is Your Love Broken? Change the Game You're Playing

When you find yourself spending most of your conversation trying to prove that the person you're supposedly in love with is wrong, you need to give it up.

Are you pleading your case? Offering evidence in an effort to win? Wanting to be right?

Is that the GAME you REALLY want to win? Being right?

REMEMBER, this is the person you supposedly love.

The ONE you couldn't wait to see.

The ONE whose smell was so hypnotic that you would sleep with a piece of their clothing.

The ONE you loved to make smile, whose touch you could get lost in.

The ONE you started missing even before you left.

The ONE who redefined winning because nothing was won without them feeling like they were winning too.

Why don't you take all that energy you're spending on proving that you're right and put it into the GAMES worth winning - all the things you would do if they were still the ONE:

• Being named their #1 fan
• Finding a way to put a smile on their face
• Always knowing how their day is going
• Sharing your biggest victories and your smallest irritations
• Being the safest place for each other, your shelter, your sanctuary

And if you find yourself explaining why it's impossible to play any of these GAMES because you need to win at being right first, the likelihood is that you don't even like them anymore. THAT IS OKAY!!!! Stop holding onto the need to assign blame or be defensive. Let them go. Stop trying to fix it. There's nothing to fix. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with them. You just don't fit together. Like puzzle pieces, when they don't fit together, we don't blame them or think they are broken, we just move on in search of the piece that does fit.

WHAT GAME are you playing?